Sunday, June 11, 2017

Dear Young Paula

The author in me has been quiet for a long time now, and I want to preface this exercise with an explanation. Before I dig into this "letter to myself as a child," you should know why I'm doing it.

The past ten years have been the most difficult decade of my life. Those of you who know me personally know these things already. I suffered some major losses in my family; three immediate family members - a sister and both parents - died in a span of less than five years. As if watching my sister and my mother suffer and pass wasn't enough, watching my dad literally drop in front of me without warning was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. Grief, despair and honestly a lot of fear led to a deep depressive episode that I can say without hesitation was the worst one life has thrown at me.

I withdrew, first from friends, then from family, and finally from myself. It's an alien world when you don't own yourself any longer. Depression owned me. Negative, hateful thought patterns ruled my life. I fought as hard as I knew how, but I couldn't stop it and I eventually gave myself over to it. I thought this was just the reality of my life now. Pain and suffering, grief and sadness, pent-up fury and hopelessness overshadowed everything else.

Long, drawn-out story short, it took a year and a half of therapy to finally begin feeling like myself again. It's not over, only because it's never over for me. But I have been led to a greater understanding of myself, my mind, and my spirit, and I have my personal circle of support that I know I can lean on for help when I feel as though I can't fight it alone.

I tried to be creative during my depressive episode. I knew that it was cathartic and therapeutic and I hoped it would bring me out of the pit. When that didn't happen, my "failure" to pull myself up by my own bootstraps squashed the part of me that I am most connected to. I constantly berated myself for it, which pushed my muse further and further into the darkness until she was cut off from the rest of me. This disconnect on top of my grief and anger shut off my light, so to speak, and I couldn't find my way in the darkness that seemed to go on for an eternity.

But then came the violet sky that signals the onset of dawn. I could just start to make out shadowy shapes emerging from the gloom. Early morning birds began calling, and I could see the tangerine line of daybreak on the horizon of my life. The nocturnal monsters of depression slithered back under their rocks and crawled into their holes, and their torment against my spirit relented.

It was about damn time.

I began exploring other creative sides of myself, testing out things I'd never done before or hadn't tried in years. Through these other outlets, I could feel the writer inside me begin to awaken once again. I'm still slightly hesitant to throw her a welcome back party, but I've been visiting with her a lot lately and I think she's ready to see the sun again.

That leads me to the central purpose of this post: a letter to my younger self. I've seen others embrace this exercise as a part of their healing and an examination of the self. It's also a good creative writing activity, so it has a two birds/one stone aspect to it as well.

So let's get to it.

Dear Paula,

I'm going to tell you some things that, if you will trust me and take them to heart, will save you from a lot of hurt in the future. I know your mother has told you some of these things and you don't believe her, but they are unequivocally 100% true. Listen to them. Learn them. Live them

1. Stop trying to fit in. You are pushing yourself into a space that is not Paula-shaped. You don't need to overthink everything you do and carefully construct every word and every movement to try and make people like you. Some people just won't, and that's okay. That doesn't' make them bad people and it certainly doesn't make you less valuable. It just means that you weren't put in the same place at the same time to help each other along in your journeys. They have other purposes to find, as do you. It's nothing personal. Just accept this and move on.

2. Be yourself. The bonds you will form in life will happen naturally with the right people. They will love you for you, not for who you can pretend to be, and you will love them in the same manner. But the more time you spend wearing masks that you think others will like, the more difficult it will be for these people to find you. Be openly and unapologetically you.

3. Know yourself. There are a lot of things you are not: athletic, fashionable, girly, trendy, or vocally melodic to name a few. I use these examples because I know how desperately you want to be these things. But you are not, and again, that's okay. You are not defined by the things you are not. You have other traits and talents that you will soon discover, and these things will be such an integral part of you that you will wonder how it's possible that you didn't see them sooner. You have already discovered a few of them. Focus on those things. You are creative, funny, compassionate, and insightful, just to kick off the list of things you really are. These are the things that will make you exceptional. I encourage you to try all the new things you want to try. But if you find they are not for you, leave them behind and move on to the next thing.

4. This is one of the most important things I'm going to say, so listen closely. Love yourself. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. You will make mistakes. Everyone does. Your family members and friends make mistakes and you don't love them any less or treat them poorly when they do. Treat yourself the same way you would treat a friend. Pay attention to your internal dialogue and make sure it is kind. If you are telling yourself things that you wouldn't say to a loved one in the same situation, then you need to re-evaluate your self-talk. This is literally the key to your happiness. Putting this into effect now will save you from a lot of inner turmoil in the future.

5. Don't wait for things to happen to you. Make them happen. Work for the things you want and never give up on your dreams.

6. Sometimes chasing your dreams will lead you to places that are outside of your comfort zone. Burst through that self-imposed barrier and keep going.Don't use fear of failure as an excuse.  Be afraid, then do it anyway.

7. You will find the the things you seek. Yes, that's fortune cookie cliche but it's also very literal. If you expect the worst, you will focus on the negative things that happen. That leaves you without the ability to see the positive things in life. Look for the good things, and those are the things you will find. Always look for the good things.

8. Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. This is not a weakness. The support of others makes you stronger and increases your potential to help someone else in need.

9. Don't compare yourself to others. Measure your success against yourself. Measuring yourself against other people can too easily start a cycle of inferiority/superiority which leads to jealousy and conceit. Work toward being a better you, not being better than someone else.

10. Always keep fighting. Never give up.

Paula, you deserve to be happy. However, you need to know that happiness is not a constant status, but rather a state of mind. Your happiness is up to you and is not dependent on any other person or suppositional circumstance that may or may not ever happen. Don't wait for happiness to come to you; find it every day. The advice I've given you is designed to help you do that.

You are loved.

Sincerely,

Your Older Self