Karma and Ted Kennedy’s Death: A Personal Perspective

Unless you live under a rock or in a cave you have probably heard of Senator Edward "Ted" Kennedy's passing early this morning. I can't say that I'm at all surprised at some of the reactions and comments I've seen and heard regarding this news. Surprised or not I'm still disgusted and even personally offended by them, not because of my opinion of Senator Kennedy but because of the utter disregard with which these comments are thrown around.

Most of these comments refer to the Chappaquiddick incident of 1969. For those who do not know, although I can't imagine there are many left by now who don't, Ted Kennedy was involved in an automobile accident that resulted in the death of 28-year-old Mary Jo Kopechne, a woman who had worked on his brother Robert's presidential campaign the previous year. Kennedy drove off a bridge into the Poucha Pond inlet and managed to escape the vehicle, but Ms. Kopechne perished in the submerged car. The accident was not reported by Kennedy until the next day, after Ms. Kopechne's body had been found. Kennedy subsequently pled guilty to leaving the scene of an injury accident and received a two-month suspended sentence.

"Delayed justice" and "he got what he deserved" are familiar comments peppered throughout articles and blogs today. The death of Mary Jo Kopechne was undoubtedly nothing less than tragic and, according to statements by rescue workers, possibly avoidable. But to those who think Senator Kennedy's death was justice for Mary Jo Kopechne's, I ask this: For what incident will your death be considered justice?

Not a single one of us will escape what you are proclaiming as justice. You and I and everyone we know now and will come to know in the future, will all die. Furthermore, the overwhelming majority of us will not die after a lifetime as a successful politician from one of the most famous families in American history, but rather after a lifetime of back-breaking or brain-busting 40 plus hour weeks struggling to make ends meet, if in fact we are lucky enough to get a full lifetime.

That brings me to my personal interest in this story, because I wouldn't bother to stay up late and write this tonight, depriving myself of sleep on a night before I have to wake early to an alarm and work some eight or nine hours, if I didn't have a personal investment in the death of a man I didn't even remotely know.

Consider the story of a woman who faces terminal cancer at the age of 41. She was born and raised in a small middle-America town by parents who worked hard to make sure she and her two sisters had all the necessities as well as some extras for enjoyment. She applied herself and earned good grades, graduating high school with honors. She married and had children young, but still attended college bit by bit, graduating summa cum laude, "with highest honor," and a BS degree in accounting at the age of 37.

This woman and her husband worked hard to give their two children everything they needed and extras that they wanted, much like her parents had done for her. Like many average everyday parents, she more often than not put her own wants aside for the wants and needs of her family. She wasn't flawless in her endeavors (though who is?) but she was never implicated in someone else's death.

Today this woman faces her own mortality as she takes ongoing chemotherapy treatments to hold her cancer at bay for as long as possible. Today this woman spends an inordinate amount of time researching stage IV breast cancer with liver metastases, searching for specialized treatments that may grant her more time. Today this woman hopes she will be lucky enough to see her youngest daughter graduate high school in two years.

If Ted Kennedy's death from cancer at the age of 77 is somehow payback for the Chappaquiddick incident, then what exactly did this woman do to deserve terminal cancer at the age of 41? Be careful how you answer, because this woman is one of my two older sisters. But she could easily be your sister, or your mother, your aunt, your daughter, your best friend, or even you.

If you are going to assign Senator Kennedy's death a karmic price tag, then it stands to reason that you have to assign every death the same.

You don't have to join those who are mourning the passing of Ted Kennedy. You aren't required to suddenly like him, or even attempt to find something kind to say about him. But before you open your mouth to speak or move your fingers to type, consider your words and refrain from insensitive comments. If you can't fathom it as being out of respect for him or his family, at least do it out of respect for mine and the roughly 566,000 families who will this year face what the Kennedy family is facing today.

Mercenary Moms

We hear a lot these days about Deadbeat Dads, but what about Mercenary Moms? You probably know one, or at least know of one. Mercenary Mom is a woman who puts money, more specifically child support, over helping cultivate the father/child relationship. In the United States where there are more failed marriages than successful ones, the Mercenary Mom is a growing trend and frankly, these women nauseate me.

Mercenary Mom has no qualms about raising child support every chance she gets, but will fight every step of the way if Dad's income drops or is cut completely. Mercenary Mom doesn't encourage her child to visit Dad and may even discourage or prohibit visits altogether. Mercenary Mom often talks down about Dad in front of the child, thereby coloring the child's opinion of Dad with her own Burnt Bitter shade of crayon.

The worst kind of Mercenary Mom is the one who is so unaware of herself that she doesn't even recognize the very qualities that make her a Mercenary Mom. If confronted with it she will deny or attempt to justify her behavior by placing the blame on Dad. Mercenary Mom has become so entangled in her hostility that she projects it onto the child and even believes it originated from the child. Children have a tendency to take their parents' words as gospel, which works to Mercenary Mom's advantage. The scenario is so easily staged that it often goes unnoticed until the damage has been done. A child with a Mercenary Mom suffers just as much as a child with a Deadbeat Dad.

What Motivates Mercenary Mom?

The most obvious motivation is money, but it isn't that simple. In fact, most Mercenary Moms will tell you that it's not about the money, but look out if the money ever slows or stops! Actions do speak louder than words.

Revenge, power, and control are the most common creators of your everyday Mercenary Mom. Divorces and breakups aren't often amicable, so the parties involved are bound to harbor negative feelings towards one another. Instead of working through these feelings and arriving at a civil co-parenting stage, Mercenary Mom holds tightly to her rancor. She feeds it and nurtures it like a newborn, then inevitably hands it over to her child to babysit.

If Dad becomes involved with a new girlfriend or remarries, Mercenary Mom's resentment swells. Irony and hypocrisy come into play if she has also found a new love. She is convinced that the child doesn't like the new woman in Dad's life or feels awkward being with them, and refuses to acknowledge that the same is possibly true concerning her own new sweetheart. Mercenary Mom now has even more reason to withhold the child from Dad, believing she is protecting the child from an evil stepmother.

The more Dad fights for his parental rights, the harder Mercenary Mom works to block his efforts. She may refuse to allow the child to visit Dad if certain demands are unmet, essentially holding the child for ransom. When she does allow visits she may grill the child upon returning to the home, in search of any tiny morsel she can use against Dad. Mercenary Mom is known to seize every opportunity to lambast Dad not only to her own family and friends but also to his. Instead of considering herself and Dad as a team united in the best interests of the child, she regards him as an enemy to be dealt with fiercely and punished harshly. Unfortunately the child is always a pawn in this game and is the one who suffers the most from the outcome.

What Mercenary Mom Isn't

Mercenary Mom isn't a woman whose ex is dangerous or abusive. A woman who has legitimate reason to deny paternal contact for the safety and well-being of the child is not a Mercenary Mom. If the father doesn't make every effort to be involved with his child, the mother is not a Mercenary Mom. More often than not, these women are not receiving child support from the father in the first place, so the most basic definition of Mercenary Mom excludes them from fitting into this category. Mercenary Mom and Deadbeat Dad cannot co-exist.

Mercenary Mom isn't always limited to the female gender. Sometimes Mercenary Mom is actually Dad.

The Three Cs

Communication: In an optimal situation Mom and Dad work together and with any other members of blended families to focus on the best interests of the child. They keep the lines of communication open not only between each other but also with the child. It's extremely important to listen to the child without judgment in order to understand how the child perceives the situation. Mom and Dad may also find it helpful to utilize empathy and try to see things from the perspective of the other parent. Mom may be worried about making ends meet if Dad's child support payments are lowered, and Dad may feel cheated if he is not given an opportunity to share special occasions with his child. If these concerns and fears are verbalized civilly it will help increase understanding.

Compromise: Give and take is such a simple concept theoretically, but it's actually more complex than it sounds. Realistically speaking, most compromises aren't fifty-fifty. Both parties may have to give more than they feel they should. Mom may feel that six weeks during the summer is too long a stretch for the child to be away, but Dad may feel that since Mom is with the child ninety percent of the year, his few weeks aren't enough. If Mom and Dad are close enough geographically, they may be able to compromise by splitting the six weeks into two three-week visits, or three two-week visits. Communication and compromise go hand in hand. The more effective the communication, the easier it is to reach a compromise.

Change: Day by day, year by year, our world changes. Children grow up and develop personalities and opinions of their own. Co-parents may change jobs or remarry or move far away. We cope with tragedy and celebrate triumph. As situations change, people must adapt. Change is going to happen regardless of your feelings about it. Learn to flow with it rather than against it, and incorporate it into your life.

"It's not only children who grow.  Parents do too.  As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours.  I can't tell my children to reach for the sun.  All I can do is reach for it, myself."  ~Joyce Maynard