Mercenary Moms

We hear a lot these days about Deadbeat Dads, but what about Mercenary Moms? You probably know one, or at least know of one. Mercenary Mom is a woman who puts money, more specifically child support, over helping cultivate the father/child relationship. In the United States where there are more failed marriages than successful ones, the Mercenary Mom is a growing trend and frankly, these women nauseate me.

Mercenary Mom has no qualms about raising child support every chance she gets, but will fight every step of the way if Dad's income drops or is cut completely. Mercenary Mom doesn't encourage her child to visit Dad and may even discourage or prohibit visits altogether. Mercenary Mom often talks down about Dad in front of the child, thereby coloring the child's opinion of Dad with her own Burnt Bitter shade of crayon.

The worst kind of Mercenary Mom is the one who is so unaware of herself that she doesn't even recognize the very qualities that make her a Mercenary Mom. If confronted with it she will deny or attempt to justify her behavior by placing the blame on Dad. Mercenary Mom has become so entangled in her hostility that she projects it onto the child and even believes it originated from the child. Children have a tendency to take their parents' words as gospel, which works to Mercenary Mom's advantage. The scenario is so easily staged that it often goes unnoticed until the damage has been done. A child with a Mercenary Mom suffers just as much as a child with a Deadbeat Dad.

What Motivates Mercenary Mom?

The most obvious motivation is money, but it isn't that simple. In fact, most Mercenary Moms will tell you that it's not about the money, but look out if the money ever slows or stops! Actions do speak louder than words.

Revenge, power, and control are the most common creators of your everyday Mercenary Mom. Divorces and breakups aren't often amicable, so the parties involved are bound to harbor negative feelings towards one another. Instead of working through these feelings and arriving at a civil co-parenting stage, Mercenary Mom holds tightly to her rancor. She feeds it and nurtures it like a newborn, then inevitably hands it over to her child to babysit.

If Dad becomes involved with a new girlfriend or remarries, Mercenary Mom's resentment swells. Irony and hypocrisy come into play if she has also found a new love. She is convinced that the child doesn't like the new woman in Dad's life or feels awkward being with them, and refuses to acknowledge that the same is possibly true concerning her own new sweetheart. Mercenary Mom now has even more reason to withhold the child from Dad, believing she is protecting the child from an evil stepmother.

The more Dad fights for his parental rights, the harder Mercenary Mom works to block his efforts. She may refuse to allow the child to visit Dad if certain demands are unmet, essentially holding the child for ransom. When she does allow visits she may grill the child upon returning to the home, in search of any tiny morsel she can use against Dad. Mercenary Mom is known to seize every opportunity to lambast Dad not only to her own family and friends but also to his. Instead of considering herself and Dad as a team united in the best interests of the child, she regards him as an enemy to be dealt with fiercely and punished harshly. Unfortunately the child is always a pawn in this game and is the one who suffers the most from the outcome.

What Mercenary Mom Isn't

Mercenary Mom isn't a woman whose ex is dangerous or abusive. A woman who has legitimate reason to deny paternal contact for the safety and well-being of the child is not a Mercenary Mom. If the father doesn't make every effort to be involved with his child, the mother is not a Mercenary Mom. More often than not, these women are not receiving child support from the father in the first place, so the most basic definition of Mercenary Mom excludes them from fitting into this category. Mercenary Mom and Deadbeat Dad cannot co-exist.

Mercenary Mom isn't always limited to the female gender. Sometimes Mercenary Mom is actually Dad.

The Three Cs

Communication: In an optimal situation Mom and Dad work together and with any other members of blended families to focus on the best interests of the child. They keep the lines of communication open not only between each other but also with the child. It's extremely important to listen to the child without judgment in order to understand how the child perceives the situation. Mom and Dad may also find it helpful to utilize empathy and try to see things from the perspective of the other parent. Mom may be worried about making ends meet if Dad's child support payments are lowered, and Dad may feel cheated if he is not given an opportunity to share special occasions with his child. If these concerns and fears are verbalized civilly it will help increase understanding.

Compromise: Give and take is such a simple concept theoretically, but it's actually more complex than it sounds. Realistically speaking, most compromises aren't fifty-fifty. Both parties may have to give more than they feel they should. Mom may feel that six weeks during the summer is too long a stretch for the child to be away, but Dad may feel that since Mom is with the child ninety percent of the year, his few weeks aren't enough. If Mom and Dad are close enough geographically, they may be able to compromise by splitting the six weeks into two three-week visits, or three two-week visits. Communication and compromise go hand in hand. The more effective the communication, the easier it is to reach a compromise.

Change: Day by day, year by year, our world changes. Children grow up and develop personalities and opinions of their own. Co-parents may change jobs or remarry or move far away. We cope with tragedy and celebrate triumph. As situations change, people must adapt. Change is going to happen regardless of your feelings about it. Learn to flow with it rather than against it, and incorporate it into your life.

"It's not only children who grow.  Parents do too.  As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours.  I can't tell my children to reach for the sun.  All I can do is reach for it, myself."  ~Joyce Maynard