Saturday, February 5, 2011

An Open Letter to Winter

Dear Winter,

On Christmas Eve of 2009, you assumed the role of Santa Claus and delivered us a load of snow that the weather forecasters proclaimed was a once-in-a-lifetime event. To show our appreciation for having been given a white Christmas, we created a 50 car pileup on I-40 in Oklahoma City just so we could enjoy your generous gift.

Apparently you did not get the message that this was only supposed to happen once in a lifetime, because here it is the very next cold season and you’ve done it once again. I personally spent the two days after your most recent delivery joyfully burrowing through your offerings and counting my blessings with every shovelful. I finally managed to transfer all of your frosty extravagance to appropriate areas of my humble habitat and now I have received word that you plan to return with more in the coming days.

While we certainly admire your aspiration to share your contributions with the world, we would like to request that you tether your excitement. We here in Oklahoma are not accustomed to such luxury and, as such, we find ourselves in a bit of a predicament. Our grocery stores, having been unable to receive scheduled deliveries for a few days, have run out of food. Local residents are left vulnerable without the holy trinity of winter storm food rations: MILKBREADEGGS! We have lost our collective minds at the prospect of another visit from you and it’s only a matter of time before someone is injured by a rogue two-liter soda bottle. It’s all fun and games until a pinky toe gets severed by a madman behind the handle of a grocery cart. Tomorrow is the Super Bowl for crying out loud! We need our snacks!

Additionally, our children, who were just a few days ago ecstatic at the prospect of SNOWDAYS! have begun to go stir-crazy. Their eyes have taken on a somewhat wild look, possibly due to the lack of MILKBREADEGGS! and we fear that they are planning a violent overthrow of the parental governing body. We are not equipped to cope with endless marathons of Spongebob Squarepants and Disney DVDs. Tomorrow is the Super Bowl for crying out loud! We need our televisions back!

We don’t want to seem ungrateful, so we would like to point out that there are other places in the world that are in need of your services. I hear that the polar ice caps are melting. Perhaps if you redirect your efforts in that area of the earth, you can save us from global warming and be forever memorialized as a hero rather than the jackass who ruined Super Bowl XLV for Oklahoma, which, in case you hadn’t heard, is tomorrow night for crying out loud!

We hope that you will seriously consider our petition for leniency, or if nothing else have pity on us, and share your beauty with the penguins and the polar bears rather than the Sooners and the Cowboys. Thank you in advance.

Sincerely,

SNOW-klahoma