Merry Christmas? Happy Holidays? Seasons Greetings? How about Stop the Insanity?!

Over the past few years the "Merry Christmas" vs. "Happy Holidays" debate has raged on relentlessly. While I can think of a few dozen things that are more important than which two-word phrase someone uses to greet me during the last two months of the year, many people take the debate very seriously. One side says they want to be inclusive of all the holidays that fall between late October and early January, and the other side says that they are being excluded and repressed due to their religious affiliation.

I live in the Bible Belt, where there is only about a 14% chance I will say "Merry Christmas" to someone who does not celebrate the holiday, or at least the religious version of it.

(Because face it, Christmas has become a consumerist-driven secular holiday associated more with parties, gift-giving, and twinkly lights than with the birth of Jesus Christ which probably wasn't even in the month of December anyway, but that's an entirely different story. As far as I'm concerned, if Christians want religion put back into the holiday of Christmas, LET THEM DO IT. I loathe the month of December because of what Christmas has become. I can't even go to the store for laundry soap without being run over by some red-nosed, crazy-eyed soccer mom hell-bent on snagging the latest gadget for her already overly-sedentary kid. For the record I very briefly considered going shopping on Black Friday just to see what the fuss is all about but decided it wasn't worth it. Why go to Pamplona when I can see highlights on TV and not risk getting gored to death by a riotous bull? So yes, I would be quite happy in returning Christmas to the Christians to celebrate with the religious reverence it deserves. But I digress, utilizing what may have been the longest parenthetical aside ever written.)

The phrases "Happy Holidays" and "Seasons Greetings" are not new, politically correct terms invented for the purpose of alienating certain groups of people. I remember these phrases being used when I was a child in the groovy 70s and awesome 80s, and no one complained about it. I always assumed "Happy Holidays" to be a reference to Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the New Year all rolled into one convenient phrase. That is certainly the intention behind the phrase when I use it myself. I don't say it with any malicious or exclusionary intent whatsoever. And on the off-chance that I have an encounter with someone who is not a follower of the Christian faith, I have all my bases covered without having to guess which December holiday they choose to celebrate.

But with the rise of the Merry Christmas vs. Happy Holidays debate, I have my reservations about using it. No matter how sincere the words are when I say them, it is possible that the expression will be met with a displeasure that is counter-productive to the intention in which it was delivered. So what can I say that will be inclusive yet also non-offensive?

The same thing I say during the other eleven months of the year: Have a nice day. This phrase can be modified to fit the day of the week or even the time of day and it will still be a pleasantry. Paired with a smile, it can't go wrong. If someone wishes me a Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays, I smile and return the sentiment. Otherwise I will stick with the standard, albeit nondescript, "Have a nice day," and then I will thank my lucky stars that I don't work in retail.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go dig my Festivus Pole out of the attic and prepare for the Airing of Grievances.

Have a nice day!

Road Rules

Picture this: It's a Tuesday morning just before 8:00 A.M. and you're cruising along the interstate through a busy downtown area on your way to work. Forty-five miles per hour is about as fast as the traffic moves at this time on any given day and most days it's much slower, so you find it nice to be traveling along at about fifty-five. You see the small car in front of you slowing to allow a merging vehicle onto the highway, but the car on the access ramp isn't taking the opening. Then you realize that the "nice" person driving the car in front of you has now come to a complete stop in order to allow the other car to merge. As you slam on your brakes you glance up in your rearview mirror and see an 18-wheeler barreling down the highway behind you. To your right is a concrete wall. To your left are two lanes of bumper-to-bumper traffic. You have exactly nowhere to go.

Having recently encountered this exact situation, I can tell you that avoiding death on the highway ranks pretty high on my list of morning tasks, and stupid drivers now rank higher than ever before on a different, not so friendly, list. I'm sure the person driving the car in front of me that morning thought he or she (I couldn't tell, and believe it or not, stupidity in driving is not gender exclusive) was being courteous and doing a favor for the merging car. What this mental midget didn't realize is that his (or her) "courtesy" nearly caused a massive accident for those following behind.

It's time for a list of rules.

Merging Rules

DON'T STOP ON THE HIGHWAY unless you absolutely have to! If you want to give merging traffic an opening, it's okay to slow down or even switch lanes if you have room, but DON'T STOP ON THE HIGHWAY. If they don't take the opening, too bad. They have a yield sign. Keep driving.

For the other side of this rule, you cannot merge into fast-moving traffic if you're driving 30 miles per hour on the access ramp. SPEED UP! Use your mirrors and your head (it swivels, you know) to find your opening. Adjust your speed to make the window. If merging into fast-moving traffic frightens you or makes you nervous, don't attempt it. There's no shame in utilizing the city streets. You may have to get up earlier, but you won't have to fret over merging and I won't have to make a list of driving rules.

If highway traffic is barely creeping along and there are people trying to merge, there exists an unwritten rule of alternation. If you are on the highway in that mess, leave room for one merging vehicle to go in front of you. People who ride bumper-to-bumper and merge-block are loathsome. Alternate! Or in simple terms, take turns.

There is one exception to the rule of alternation and most of us have witnessed it. If a lane is closed due to construction or an accident there's always one self-centered jackass who doesn't merge with the rest of traffic, but speeds right up to the cones and then attempts to merge. In this case it's perfectly acceptable to band together as traffic brethren and merge-block the moron. Listen, unless you have blue and red flashing lights and a siren, your destination is no more important than the rest of the travelers on the highway. We're ALL annoyed. Deal with it, and merge when you see the signs.

Highway Driving Rules

Stop texting. You have a death wish, fine. Don't take the rest of us out with you.

The left lane is for passing. It's also known as the fast lane, for what should be obvious reason. People in the far left lane are driving faster than, and therefore passing, people in the other lanes. If you are in the far left lane, you better be going faster than the people to your right. If you are not, then MOVE OVER. If you don't have an immediate opening you can at least turn on your turn signal to show the drivers behind you that you intend to move over and get out of their way. Additionally, cruising in the left lane is illegal, so not only are you building up a dam of rage behind you, but you are also breaking the law.

Conversely, if I am in one of the right lanes and I am not moving fast enough for you, please feel free to use the above mentioned left lane and pass me. Don't ride up on my bumper, don't flash your lights at me, and don't flip me off. I'm not a patient person when it comes to traffic, and these things will only make me go slower. Utilize the passing lane for its intended purpose so you can make it to your destination a minute or two before I get there, and we'll both feel better for it.

Neighborhood Driving Rules

The following situation happens to me more often than any other and it is possibly the most annoying. While driving through a neighborhood, if you encounter an obstacle on your side of the road, you should wait for oncoming traffic to clear before maneuvering around said obstacle. Whether it is a car parked at the curb, a mail or waste truck, pothole repair, or a group of teenagers taking up an entire lane to plod lazily down to the convenience store, when you go around it you place yourself in the lane of oncoming traffic. By law you are to yield, not the other way around. You will be the fault of any accidents that may occur due to your "hey, I'M driving here right now so get out of my way!" mentality. Stay on the right side of the road until the left side is clear.

Sarcasm aside, school speed limits are in place for a reason. Children don't always pay attention to what they are doing or where they are going. Please slow down. Speeding through a school zone will not save you a significant amount of time in your travels (seconds at best) but it may save lives.

 

I grew up in a small town where traffic was unheard of unless the county fair was in town, and then only if you were within two blocks of the fairgrounds. I now live in a fairly large metropolitan area and I deal with rush hour traffic on the interstate twice a day during the work week. I feel I've adapted quite well. My son thinks I have road rage. I don't think I've quite reached that level, but discourteous and idiotic drivers increase my stress level exponentially.

Obviously since you are reading this, the outcome of the situation I recounted earlier ended with all parties unscathed, but not everyone is so lucky. We all have to share the road, and there are already enough perils involved in the act of operating a motor vehicle. Don't let stupidity and selfishness add to the list.

Karma and Ted Kennedy’s Death: A Personal Perspective

Unless you live under a rock or in a cave you have probably heard of Senator Edward "Ted" Kennedy's passing early this morning. I can't say that I'm at all surprised at some of the reactions and comments I've seen and heard regarding this news. Surprised or not I'm still disgusted and even personally offended by them, not because of my opinion of Senator Kennedy but because of the utter disregard with which these comments are thrown around.

Most of these comments refer to the Chappaquiddick incident of 1969. For those who do not know, although I can't imagine there are many left by now who don't, Ted Kennedy was involved in an automobile accident that resulted in the death of 28-year-old Mary Jo Kopechne, a woman who had worked on his brother Robert's presidential campaign the previous year. Kennedy drove off a bridge into the Poucha Pond inlet and managed to escape the vehicle, but Ms. Kopechne perished in the submerged car. The accident was not reported by Kennedy until the next day, after Ms. Kopechne's body had been found. Kennedy subsequently pled guilty to leaving the scene of an injury accident and received a two-month suspended sentence.

"Delayed justice" and "he got what he deserved" are familiar comments peppered throughout articles and blogs today. The death of Mary Jo Kopechne was undoubtedly nothing less than tragic and, according to statements by rescue workers, possibly avoidable. But to those who think Senator Kennedy's death was justice for Mary Jo Kopechne's, I ask this: For what incident will your death be considered justice?

Not a single one of us will escape what you are proclaiming as justice. You and I and everyone we know now and will come to know in the future, will all die. Furthermore, the overwhelming majority of us will not die after a lifetime as a successful politician from one of the most famous families in American history, but rather after a lifetime of back-breaking or brain-busting 40 plus hour weeks struggling to make ends meet, if in fact we are lucky enough to get a full lifetime.

That brings me to my personal interest in this story, because I wouldn't bother to stay up late and write this tonight, depriving myself of sleep on a night before I have to wake early to an alarm and work some eight or nine hours, if I didn't have a personal investment in the death of a man I didn't even remotely know.

Consider the story of a woman who faces terminal cancer at the age of 41. She was born and raised in a small middle-America town by parents who worked hard to make sure she and her two sisters had all the necessities as well as some extras for enjoyment. She applied herself and earned good grades, graduating high school with honors. She married and had children young, but still attended college bit by bit, graduating summa cum laude, "with highest honor," and a BS degree in accounting at the age of 37.

This woman and her husband worked hard to give their two children everything they needed and extras that they wanted, much like her parents had done for her. Like many average everyday parents, she more often than not put her own wants aside for the wants and needs of her family. She wasn't flawless in her endeavors (though who is?) but she was never implicated in someone else's death.

Today this woman faces her own mortality as she takes ongoing chemotherapy treatments to hold her cancer at bay for as long as possible. Today this woman spends an inordinate amount of time researching stage IV breast cancer with liver metastases, searching for specialized treatments that may grant her more time. Today this woman hopes she will be lucky enough to see her youngest daughter graduate high school in two years.

If Ted Kennedy's death from cancer at the age of 77 is somehow payback for the Chappaquiddick incident, then what exactly did this woman do to deserve terminal cancer at the age of 41? Be careful how you answer, because this woman is one of my two older sisters. But she could easily be your sister, or your mother, your aunt, your daughter, your best friend, or even you.

If you are going to assign Senator Kennedy's death a karmic price tag, then it stands to reason that you have to assign every death the same.

You don't have to join those who are mourning the passing of Ted Kennedy. You aren't required to suddenly like him, or even attempt to find something kind to say about him. But before you open your mouth to speak or move your fingers to type, consider your words and refrain from insensitive comments. If you can't fathom it as being out of respect for him or his family, at least do it out of respect for mine and the roughly 566,000 families who will this year face what the Kennedy family is facing today.

Mercenary Moms

We hear a lot these days about Deadbeat Dads, but what about Mercenary Moms? You probably know one, or at least know of one. Mercenary Mom is a woman who puts money, more specifically child support, over helping cultivate the father/child relationship. In the United States where there are more failed marriages than successful ones, the Mercenary Mom is a growing trend and frankly, these women nauseate me.

Mercenary Mom has no qualms about raising child support every chance she gets, but will fight every step of the way if Dad's income drops or is cut completely. Mercenary Mom doesn't encourage her child to visit Dad and may even discourage or prohibit visits altogether. Mercenary Mom often talks down about Dad in front of the child, thereby coloring the child's opinion of Dad with her own Burnt Bitter shade of crayon.

The worst kind of Mercenary Mom is the one who is so unaware of herself that she doesn't even recognize the very qualities that make her a Mercenary Mom. If confronted with it she will deny or attempt to justify her behavior by placing the blame on Dad. Mercenary Mom has become so entangled in her hostility that she projects it onto the child and even believes it originated from the child. Children have a tendency to take their parents' words as gospel, which works to Mercenary Mom's advantage. The scenario is so easily staged that it often goes unnoticed until the damage has been done. A child with a Mercenary Mom suffers just as much as a child with a Deadbeat Dad.

What Motivates Mercenary Mom?

The most obvious motivation is money, but it isn't that simple. In fact, most Mercenary Moms will tell you that it's not about the money, but look out if the money ever slows or stops! Actions do speak louder than words.

Revenge, power, and control are the most common creators of your everyday Mercenary Mom. Divorces and breakups aren't often amicable, so the parties involved are bound to harbor negative feelings towards one another. Instead of working through these feelings and arriving at a civil co-parenting stage, Mercenary Mom holds tightly to her rancor. She feeds it and nurtures it like a newborn, then inevitably hands it over to her child to babysit.

If Dad becomes involved with a new girlfriend or remarries, Mercenary Mom's resentment swells. Irony and hypocrisy come into play if she has also found a new love. She is convinced that the child doesn't like the new woman in Dad's life or feels awkward being with them, and refuses to acknowledge that the same is possibly true concerning her own new sweetheart. Mercenary Mom now has even more reason to withhold the child from Dad, believing she is protecting the child from an evil stepmother.

The more Dad fights for his parental rights, the harder Mercenary Mom works to block his efforts. She may refuse to allow the child to visit Dad if certain demands are unmet, essentially holding the child for ransom. When she does allow visits she may grill the child upon returning to the home, in search of any tiny morsel she can use against Dad. Mercenary Mom is known to seize every opportunity to lambast Dad not only to her own family and friends but also to his. Instead of considering herself and Dad as a team united in the best interests of the child, she regards him as an enemy to be dealt with fiercely and punished harshly. Unfortunately the child is always a pawn in this game and is the one who suffers the most from the outcome.

What Mercenary Mom Isn't

Mercenary Mom isn't a woman whose ex is dangerous or abusive. A woman who has legitimate reason to deny paternal contact for the safety and well-being of the child is not a Mercenary Mom. If the father doesn't make every effort to be involved with his child, the mother is not a Mercenary Mom. More often than not, these women are not receiving child support from the father in the first place, so the most basic definition of Mercenary Mom excludes them from fitting into this category. Mercenary Mom and Deadbeat Dad cannot co-exist.

Mercenary Mom isn't always limited to the female gender. Sometimes Mercenary Mom is actually Dad.

The Three Cs

Communication: In an optimal situation Mom and Dad work together and with any other members of blended families to focus on the best interests of the child. They keep the lines of communication open not only between each other but also with the child. It's extremely important to listen to the child without judgment in order to understand how the child perceives the situation. Mom and Dad may also find it helpful to utilize empathy and try to see things from the perspective of the other parent. Mom may be worried about making ends meet if Dad's child support payments are lowered, and Dad may feel cheated if he is not given an opportunity to share special occasions with his child. If these concerns and fears are verbalized civilly it will help increase understanding.

Compromise: Give and take is such a simple concept theoretically, but it's actually more complex than it sounds. Realistically speaking, most compromises aren't fifty-fifty. Both parties may have to give more than they feel they should. Mom may feel that six weeks during the summer is too long a stretch for the child to be away, but Dad may feel that since Mom is with the child ninety percent of the year, his few weeks aren't enough. If Mom and Dad are close enough geographically, they may be able to compromise by splitting the six weeks into two three-week visits, or three two-week visits. Communication and compromise go hand in hand. The more effective the communication, the easier it is to reach a compromise.

Change: Day by day, year by year, our world changes. Children grow up and develop personalities and opinions of their own. Co-parents may change jobs or remarry or move far away. We cope with tragedy and celebrate triumph. As situations change, people must adapt. Change is going to happen regardless of your feelings about it. Learn to flow with it rather than against it, and incorporate it into your life.

"It's not only children who grow.  Parents do too.  As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours.  I can't tell my children to reach for the sun.  All I can do is reach for it, myself."  ~Joyce Maynard